Today is a painful reminder to me of the reality of the human heart, and that reality is that sometimes life goes wrong and people change.
Today 24 years ago I met the man who became my husband for over 21 years.
It started out with some hardships right off the bat with some people angry that I married him. The worse hardship was when he had to go to prison for about 3-4 months after we got married. He was in there for 3 1/2 years. During that time I moved back into my parents house and life went on with an empty void in my heart because I missed my husband.
When he got out of prison he became an over the road semi driver which made it to where we only saw each other about 2-4 days a month. I started feeling resentment that he was in prison for so long then got a job that kept him away from home. Later on that year I got to go with him on his driving job. It was nice seeing various parts of the country. But that isnt a healthy life sitting on one's butt all day and going to bed in a scolding hot humid semi that is falling apart and crappy. Later down the road I went home.
We loved each other, or at least I thought he loved me. Come to find out he didn't love me all that much but he did some. I kept asking for us to get marriage counseling over the years but it never happened. My husbands childhood was very abusive and he needed help. We both needed help. He didn't realize how hurtful his harsh words were and how painful it is to be neglected.
But despite the dysfunction we had good times too. I will always cherish those good memories.
We had two children. I could not work much due to child care costing so much and because of my worsening health from having chronic pancreatitis and brittle double diabetes. So needless to say we had money issues.
We both spouted painful things off a lot which contributed to killing the marriage. I felt so empty and unsupported. It seemed as though I was nothing but a bother to my husband. The love was not being fed. Throughout the past several years I kept praying for God to help us because I could not take any more grouchiness accompanied with other abusive behaviors. Thankfully he only physically abused me 4 times. It was the non physical forms of abuse that hurt the most. I felt that I must be a really bad person since my own husband can't even love me. I felt hopeless and empty, lost and alone, fat and unattractive. We didn't have the money to buy nice clothing, make up and jewelry but even if we did I figured I'd still look bad cause I'm too fat or my nose was too big or whatever. Often I had literally begged him to say something nice about me and the kids to us but it didn't happen so I just survived and cleaned house and did stuff with the kids. The kids were my social life.
Now due to the mistakes, insecurities and unresolved abusive childhood one thing led to another and now here we are divorcing. But the saddest part is the rumors, misunderstandings, slander, lying, revenge and so on. The kids are the ones hurt the most. It's a mess. A bad mess. It's heartbreaking.
So now here I am almost divorced and having to be alone. Am I perfect? No! It takes the actions of both spouses to cause a divorce usually. I am truly sorry for my part in all this. I real am sorry. I pray for my husband every night praying God blesses him with good health and happiness. I wish we could communicate with each other but we can't due do that anymore due to the need for a protective order due to some violence and vengeful acts.
So now here I am a single person. I was with my husband all of my adult years except for my 18th year.
I will always have a love for him in my heart. And I will always miss the good side of him, but the good memories keep getting flushed down the toilet as the new weird vengeful stuff come my way. And I'm no angel either, I said hurtful things as well. It takes two to tango. Sadly it has come to the end of us. Now we are no longer one but two. We aren't good for each other. Apparently we bring each other down and bring the worst out of each other. That isn't good to live with the worst of each other lashing out. So on we go in life separately beginning new lives with new friends. Yes it hurts but life goes on. I hope he has forgiven me for my wrongs. I'm working on forgiving him, it's coming, I will be able to forgive in time. God is helping me with that.
I'm enjoying my new friends. They bless me a lot. I have good times and good laughs with them. I'm looking forward in life. My friends love me for who I am no matter my mistakes in life. Now that is a sign of unconditional love like Jesus has.
If only my kids didn't have to be thrown around in all this mess. It is a sad shame. My husband's dad used parental alienation syndrome on my husband until he was so brainwashed that he didn't even remember that after his mom died that he had her parents and family who deeply loved him. His dad moved around a lot keeping the kids hid. Now my husband is choosing to do the same with our kids for whatever strange reason. Now my kids are the ones who get to suffer the most. And that is the worse of the worse in all this.
Choose to love, but don't allow any form of abuse in your marriage. Get marriage counseling and individual counseling befor it is too late.
Never ever put counseling off or else you could end up like my situation.
Choose unconditional love, loving them and treating them good no matter what they have done, but don't use that as an excuse to stay in an abusive marriage.
So now life goes on.....................
No comments:
Post a Comment