Celebrating His Death

It was one month ago that my Dad took his last breath. But he is in a much better place so we are happy for him. To celebrate his Heavenly homecoming we had DQ ice cream cake. He loved ice cream very much and passed the love of ice cream down to us.


It may seem strange to some that we celebrated the death of our loved one. But just think about it. He was 84 and lived a good life. His parkinson's disease was in its last stage making him miserable and sad. So his death was an escape from the sickness and troubles of this world. The death of his body did not kill him, what it did was to free his spirit to step right smack through Heaven's gate where he is now happy, healthy and enjoying his home (Heaven). He has had one month of being in his spirit's Home and knowing my Dad he is probably eating a big giant bowl of ice cream with Jesus.
I love and miss you Dad but I'm happy for you!

We Are So Differant but So Much Alike but I Love Her 😊 love ❤

I am child #8. My parents are old enough to be my grandparents and some of my siblings are old enough to be my parents. All 7 of my siblings are a lot older then me. Since I was so much younger then my siblings I had my parents to myself. I had a good childhood full of many fun times. My parents were/are good working Christian Americans.


But my mother and I have never been able to get along together real well. We both seem to bring the worse out in each other. I believe that one reason as to why we quarrel is because in some ways we are a lot alike and in other ways we are very different. I am mellow and she is high strung. So needless to say our approach to handling life differs from each other in many ways.


But we still have had many good times with each other. I know her the best out of my 7 siblings because after I got married and my husband went to prison I moved back home. Later on down the road my husband and I gained ownership of the farm house I was raised in. It was nice raising the kids there.


My parents lived next door to us and that was a blessing. My children got to walk across our yard daily to go be with their beloved grandma and grandpa. My parents helped raise our kids. Often times my parents baby sat for free and helped buy stuff the kids needed. My Dad wasn't able to leave home for long due to his Parkinson disease. But my Mom was able to get out and about some. So her and I did fun things with the kids such as going places like the zoo and dollar movies.


My parents loved/love my children very much. My Dad died last month at the age of 84. He wasn't able to take my kids camping and fishing like he did for his older grandkids when they were young. Sadly his Parkinson's disease was too advanced by the time my kids were born. So he would sit out on his porch pushing my kids in their baby swings so I could mow and do other chores. My Mom did a ton for my children. I'm so thankful for good parents and help.


This year my mom had a serious surgery on her spine that went bad. She was in the hospital for 3 weeks and then in a rehab nursing home for about a month or so. For 1 1/2 weeks she has been back home and I have been staying with her to help out until she gains more strength and regains her pre -surgery abilities.  We get along so well and so bad. Sometimes I'm desperate to get out and about to hang with people my own age. But Mom can't be left alone for long so my free time is limited.


Tonight after I put my mom to bed (she has trouble getting into bed ) she was crying and reached out for my hand asking me to pray so I did. She pulled down for a hug. As she held me she deeply cried saying that she is so thankful I've been here and that she couldn't do it on her own. That was a blessing for my heart to hear.


The poor woman had to go through a very painful surgery that didn't go right and during that time my Dad ended up being rushed to the hospital via EMS because as usual he tried standing up without help and he fell banging his head on something sharp. It caused him to have a brain bleed and be unresponsive although he could hear us and would squeez our hands when we asked him too. He was in the hospital dying for 3 days. My Mom was with him every day even in her painful state. Even though she was suffering she wanted to be at my Dad's side. So she did. She was there with him speaking lovingly to him as he took his last breaths.
Mom has always been a very strong willed hard working responsible adult and very independent. But now that she is suffering from the loss of her husband and the loss of much of her abilities she can sometimes get easily overwhelmed and lash out at me verbally. Sometimes I handle it in a mature way but sometimes I dont handle it well and I lash out too. But this past year especially this year she has been seeing and feeling my much of my emotions and worries. It helps bring us closer.
Her words to me tonight is a great gift to keep in my heart. Even though I often feel frustrated at having to take care if her so much I'm glad I am staying with her helping her heal.
So being the baby that lived next door to her in my adult years I have gotten to be with her and know her better then my 7 siblings. I thank God for that.
She is a blessing to me. I'm glad I can be here for her.

24 Years Ago Tonight Led To Happiness That Sadly Lead To Bad

Today is a painful reminder to me of the reality of the human heart, and that reality is that sometimes life goes wrong and people change.


Today 24 years ago I met the man who became my husband for over 21 years.
It started out with some hardships right off the bat with some people angry that I married him. The worse hardship was when he had to go to prison for about 3-4 months after we got married. He was in there for 3 1/2 years. During that time I moved back into my parents house and life went on with an empty void in my heart because I missed my husband.


When he got out of prison he became an over the road semi driver which made it to where we only saw each other about 2-4 days a month. I started feeling resentment that he was in prison for so long then got a job that kept him away from home. Later on that year I got to go with him on his driving job. It was nice seeing various parts of the country. But that isnt a healthy life sitting on one's butt all day and going to bed in a scolding hot humid semi that is falling apart and crappy. Later down the road I went home.


We loved each other, or at least I thought he loved me. Come to find out he didn't love me all that much but he did some. I kept asking for us to get marriage counseling over the years but it never happened. My husbands childhood was very abusive and he needed help. We both needed help. He didn't realize how hurtful his harsh words were and how painful it is to be neglected.


But despite the dysfunction we had good times too. I will always cherish those good memories.


We had two children. I could not work much due to child care costing so much and because of my worsening health from having chronic pancreatitis and brittle double diabetes. So needless to say we had money issues.


We both spouted painful things off a lot which contributed to killing the marriage. I felt so empty and unsupported. It seemed as though I was nothing but a bother to my husband. The love was not being fed. Throughout the past several years I kept praying for God to help us because I could not take any more grouchiness accompanied with other abusive behaviors. Thankfully he only physically abused me 4 times. It was the non physical forms of abuse that hurt the most. I felt that I must be a really bad person since my own husband can't even love me. I felt hopeless and empty, lost and alone, fat and unattractive. We didn't have the money to buy nice clothing, make up and jewelry but even if we did I figured I'd still look bad cause I'm too fat or my nose was too big or whatever. Often I had literally begged him to say something nice about me and the kids to us but it didn't happen so I just survived and cleaned house and did stuff with the kids. The kids were my social life.


Now due to the mistakes, insecurities and unresolved abusive childhood one thing led to another and now here we are divorcing. But the saddest part is the rumors, misunderstandings, slander, lying, revenge and so on. The kids are the ones hurt the most. It's a mess. A bad mess. It's heartbreaking.


So now here I am almost divorced and having to be alone. Am I perfect? No! It takes the actions of both spouses to cause a divorce usually. I am truly sorry for my part in all this. I real am sorry. I pray for my husband every night praying God blesses him with good health and happiness. I wish we could communicate with each other but we can't due do that anymore due to the need for a protective order due to some violence and vengeful acts.


So now here I am a single person. I was with my husband all of my adult years except for my 18th year.


I will always have a love for him in my heart. And I will always miss the good side of him, but the good memories keep getting flushed down the toilet as the new weird vengeful stuff come my way. And I'm no angel either, I said hurtful things as well. It takes two to tango. Sadly it has come to the end of us. Now we are no longer one but two. We aren't good for each other. Apparently we bring each other down and bring the worst out of each other. That isn't good to live with the worst of each other lashing out. So on we go in life separately beginning new lives with new friends. Yes it hurts but life goes on. I hope he has forgiven me for my wrongs. I'm working on forgiving him, it's coming, I will be able to forgive in time. God is helping me with that.


I'm enjoying my new friends. They bless me a lot. I have good times and good laughs with them. I'm looking forward in life. My friends love me for who I am no matter my mistakes in life. Now that is a sign of unconditional love like Jesus has.


If only my kids didn't have to be thrown around in all this mess. It is a sad shame. My husband's dad used parental alienation syndrome on my husband until he was so brainwashed that he didn't even remember that after his mom died that he had her parents and family who deeply loved him. His dad moved around a lot keeping the kids hid. Now my husband is choosing to do the same with our kids for whatever strange reason. Now my kids are the ones who get to suffer the most. And that is the worse of the worse in all this.


Choose to love, but don't allow any form of abuse in your marriage. Get marriage counseling and individual counseling befor it is too late.


Never ever put counseling off or else you could end up like my situation.


Choose unconditional love, loving them and treating them good no matter what they have done, but don't use that as an excuse to stay in an abusive marriage.


So now life goes on.....................

In Our Chest Where Our Soul Resides

Since my Dad is my first close-family-member to die Im experiencing the heart aches that people all around the world go through daily. Loss is not a knew thing for this world, we will all face a loss of someone close to us. But that doesn't mean it's easy to handle.






Some times I go about my normal daily routine as if nothing happened. Then the smallest of things will remind me of my Dad and that pain gathers in my chest where I believe our souls reside in our bodies. The soul is our feeler, our emotions, thoughts are all there. My soul hurts.




Sometimes I go about my day forgetting that he died, then I feel guilty for forgetting. The other day I was talking to someone about my parents and what their generation is like. I actually forgot my Dad was dead as I was talking about him as if he were still alive. Then I remembered that he is gone and that pain seized my soul once again. But I don't let it hold me back. Although when I'm out of the eyesight of others I will often break down and have a good cry as that painful grief attempts to escape.


I have often wondered how long these sudden out of the blue crying sessions will continue to torment my heart, soul and mind. People have told me that even 20 years after their loved ones death their heart, soul and mind still longs for their loved one, but the severity and intensity of it lessons.


I will go on. I will hurt. I will continue to love. But I will not let it destroy me.

Do You Love Them?

Dont trust what someone says about another person unless you know it to be true and even then you have no room to be slamming on others. People lie or they misunderstand a person or they go along with the gossip. Perhaps we should grow up and look at our own imperfections and stop looking at the wrongs or assumed wrongs of others.


Some people get judged unfairly because their family is poor or has a criminal amongst one of them. Some people get judged because the victim is thought to be lacking in knowledge or has a bad past.


Who cares if a person was a bad person who did this or that. Give a person another chance without downing on them. That doesn't mean you have to trust them or let them hurt eyou, it just means that you are not a gossip partaker that seems to forget your own sins and mistakes.


This year I have met and gotten to know a lot of new people in my life and it bothers me how many of them have been so wronged and misunderstood just because they are different or whatever.


So get off your butt and love people UNCONDITIONALLY.


It isn't always easy and it doesn't mean you have to let them take advantage of you. It just means that you can treat them well WITHOUT the conditions. You know what I mean by conditions. Many people will only be nice to another person if the person has done this or that perceived good thing. Who cares what they have or have not done! They are still humans with one life to live just like you.


To love, truly love, others we don't tack on exceptions and rules. To love others is to see into their heart seeing the good in there that God gifted them with. To truly love others does not mean we have to be harmed by them or hang out around them. It just means that you can be adult enough to treat all people with respect without the conditions, just like Jesus did/does.

Standing Victorious. Boxing His Way to Heaven and Stepping Into Heaven and Away From Parkinson's Disease

My Dad was once a champion golden gloves boxer. They think that is why he developed Parkinson's disease later on in life. Parkinson's disease often causes serious issues with properly eating and swallowing. As a result many people with Parkinson's disease get a form of pneumonia that is caused from food or liquids getting choked on and into their lungs. After awhile it stays in there with flim collecting on it cause issues. So whenever he got that form of pneumonia he would have to wear oxygen.  He did not like wearing that contraption in his nose and kept taking it off. We can be rather stubborn in my family.

Due to the pneumonia and him always taking the oxygen off my Dad's blood oxygen levels unknowingly became so low that he became confused, disoriented and combative at the nursing home one day about 2 weeks ago. Very combative. Violence is not my Dad, he isnt that way so the nursing home staff knew something had to have been wrong with him since he boxed the day lights out of them so they called for an EMS to take my Dad to the hospital, but he boxed the daylights out of them too. So the called the local firemen to come handle him. They probably walked in and saw my Dad and thought they could take on that old man easily. They were wrong. He successfully boxed all 7 of them too.


Dad no doubt stood victorious having just pulverized them all, it was like he was back in his young boxing career days. There was no stopping him cause he wasn't about to let anyone touch him.
But an 84 year old man can only take so much and he began wearing down, that is when the 7 firemen got him wrestled down so he could be sedated to be put in the EMS to go to the hospital for an evaluation.




They got him to the hospital where there they further sedated him so that he would calm down enough to keep his oxygen on. Once his blood oxygen got up he went back to normal. I dont even know if he remembered his blaze of glory as a 84 year old man that still had enough skills and strength from his boxing days to take on 7 men and beat the daylights out of them. He wasn't about to go down easy! Thankfully that issue was resolved quickly. I can't help but to laugh at it cause I can just picture it now. You go Dad! Keep on boxing! Ha ha.


This past Sunday he once again fell because he was stubborn and wanted to do whatever it is he had sit his mind to doing. But this time his fall was lethal but no one would know it until later. When he feel that Sunday morning he hit his head on something. He seemed alright afterwards. Then not too terribly long after he fell he suddenly slipped into a comatose type state so an EMS came and rushed him to the hospital except this time my Dad wasn't fighting them, now he was completely helpless and at their mercy. He stopped breathing while in the EMS and they put the tube down his throat to breath for him because they didn't know about the do-not-resusitate
order on my Dad. That means that if one dies with that order the medical staff dont have to do cpr or anything to bring him back. When he got to the hospital they was breathing for him via the machine. I stood behind his head at the head of his bed while other family members stood elsewhere. The doctor asked for permission to pull the breathing tube since the death glaze had taken over his eyes and he was in a type of coma state unable to respond. We said yes. They pulled the tube out and he began breathing on his own. 27 family members all stood by as we watched his breathing to see what would happen. The doctor made it sound like Dad could not hear us but that wasn't true. When we said "squeeze my hand if you hear me" he would squeeze. His eyes had the death glaze and stayed partly shut.



We held the phone up to his ear so he could hear 3 of his children's voices and his sister. He responded when he heard their voices by moving his lips trying to talk and would twitch and so on. That is all he could do. His eyes were half opened with that lifeless death glaze but even then he tried responding to them.To look at him you'd think his mind was gone because he looked like a brain dead person in an coma. But he was hearing us and trying to respond.



He kept on breathing so they moved him to a regular hospital room to wait out his days

I had spent 38 hours awake at the hospital with my Dad from Sunday to late Monday night. My dad's incredibly strong heart and body kept him alive.


He would breath and then stop for long periods of time. One time he stopped breathing and his heartbeat was not there. I put my hand on his chest feeling for breath and heart and also praying and he suddenly began breathing again. I could tell he was uncomfortable so I had the nursing staff roll him over into a different position and once they did that he instantly stopped the twitching and grimacing. I had them give him morphine as much as allowed because his head no doubt had to hurt since there was a suspected brain bleed in there from the fall. He was too old to get surgery to stop the bleed and may of died on the surgery table anyways so we choose to let him go peacefully.


He did not pee or poop the 3 days he was there because his body was shutting down to just keep the life saving organs alive like the brain, lungs and heart. I knew that urine may be gathering in his bladder and that too would be uncomfortable. So he ended up getting lots of morphine which normally slows a sick dying persons breathing down so much that it often peacefully causes them to stop breathing sooner then they would have. But I wasn't about to have him be in pain so morphine it was! It did not slow his breathing down. He kept hanging on.


I had whispered into his hears several times that I love him but I don't want for him to suffer anymore and that he needs to let go and go to Jesus. He kept on breathing with his eyes shut but his mind still hearing and comprehending.


Finally a thought came to my mind that my Mom needed to tell him it was ok to go. She said something like "Bob, I love you, you have been a good Dad and husband. You need to let go and go to Heaven. I will see you there some day, I will miss you though but don't worry because we will see each other again. Ill be ok." As she was saying that his eyes popped opened and looked right at her, the death glaze was off of his eyes. He then began taking his last 3 breaths, we could tell they were his last breathes by the way they had suddenly become so deep and far between. I put my hand on his chest and said out loud something along the lines of: "Dad, its time for you to go to Heaven now. What you are now seeing is Jesus, you made it to heaven Dad! Keep on going you are about to step into heaven! I will see you again." And he took his last breath as his spirit stepped out of his body and stepped right into Heaven.


The boxing fighter had made his body hold on long enough to wait and hear that it was ok with my Mom that he goes. Once he heard that he went. The nurse was surprised that he could hold on so long with so much morphine and the anxiety medication called Ativan being given to him via IV. Dad was strong, nothing was gonna kill him until he was ready. His wife had freed him to go to Heaven to be healthy and strong once again. I kind of envy him. There in Heaven it is so great, but down here we suffer sickness, heartbreaks and all sorts of struggles.


Well, some of my Dad's fighting spirit was conceived in me too. I can be rather stubborn and hold out for long periods of time too. People often ask me how I'm holding up so well this year with there having been so much stressful things going on in my life like a divorce, domestic violence, living in two different shelters,  my kids being abused by their dad as he brainwashes them causing them to get parental alienation syndrome which is mental and verbal abuse, my mom being sick and in the hospital for 3 weeks and then put in a nursing home and then they put me in the hospital the week before my Dad was, in fact his room was only a few doors down from where my room was the week before, his one nurse had been mine too and she remembered me. And then my Dad's situation occurred.


That is a lot to take on!!!!
There are some people who are so vile that they don't respect or care about a persons grieving period, they just keep on causing trouble. But I'm calm. I know things will work out after a while. My Dad is the lucky one. I WILL see you there in Heaven some day Dad! Meet me at the ice cream buffet Im gonna have in Heaven!  :)
(thankfully one of my adult nieces and I were able to get him to eat a large chocolate sundae from DQ only 4 days before he died. My dear Dad was an ice cream addict and so am I. Like father like daughter!)

Parkinson's Disease May Make Eating Dangerous but it did NOT Prevent Him From Eating Ice Cream!

Yesterday I had to pick my mom up at her up at her nursing home for a doctors appointment at the same hospital my Dad died in a few weeks ago. I didn't want to go there just yet but life has to go on and a part of life is going to appointments.  After we got checked in at the doctors office I left to walk through the hospital to an office I needed to talk to. As I walked through the ER lobby and the main lobby flash backs of him being there dying came to surface. I didn't cry, but I did feel a tugging at my heart and soul.

For whatever reason being there made me start thinking of how my Dad's eating became so affected by Parkinson's disease. We had to put him in a nursing home in summer 2011 because his Parkinson's was getting so advanced that neither my mom or I could keep giving him the 24/7 care needed anymore. After being at the nursing home for about 1 1/2 years he had to start eating puréed food with thickener in it because his Parkinson's related swallowing difficulties made eating dangerous so much so that they had to do the hymlieck maneuver on him several times.
as much.


He continued to choke even on the nasty pureed food but not as bad as he did before his food was pureed. He would get pneumonia every so often from him asperating food into his lungs. Food became his enemy. The good taste of things like meat loaf and fried potatoes no longer interested him. Pureed meat is especially horrible. So this year and more so this summer he began to loose weight quickly as he slowly starved to death if that makes any since. It had become his cruel reality.


He was a tall larged boned muscular man that got down to 165 pounds. For him that was under weight and sickly. He looked so little and sad.


He was wasting away.


I had sinced this summer that he was beginning to lose hope and give up. Giving up was unusual for him. He had been holding on way longer then others in his shape were. His will to live was unbelievably strong. But after needing pureed food and quickly going down hill he was starting to give up but not 100%. He was a fighter not only in the boxing ring but also with the will to live too.


He may have been fading away but that never stopped him from loving ice cream and chocolate. We often took ice cream and chocolate to him. About 4 days days before he died my adult niece and I took him a large chocolate sundae from the near by DQ. He enjoyed it. He got most of it eaten before it began melting and becoming to liquidly for him to handle. I'm so glad we did that for him only days before he died. It was probably the best thing he had eaten that week.


After Dad died me and several other family members ate ice cream that night in honor of my dear ice cream addicted father. His love of ice cream got passed down to his descendants. Eating ice cream with my Dad is some of my best memories with him. He would get vanilla ice cream and put Nestle Quik chocolate powder on it. Then he used his strong arms to stir the ice cream for us kids. The night he died I went and got vanilla ice cream and the chocolate powder in honor of him as my great niece and I enjoyed a large bowl of it. Dad used to make a mountain of ice cream in the bowls as the "mountain" went up tall well past the bowls rim.


He is now in Heaven eating at the ice cream buffet I asked God to give me in Heaven. Dad is the first guest there to enjoy a wide array of ice cream flavors.


Parkinson's disease could not and did not win. All it did was kill his body but it did NOT kill his soul and spirit.


Save some ice cream for me Dad!

Any Good Men Out There?

This year I've had the privilege to meet one of the most kind and gentle hearted men I've ever known. His eyes, voice, words and body language ooze out God's love onto people.
He was a missionary on a Navaho Indian Reservation out west.


I know there are lots of good men in this world including my Dad, brothers, uncles, nephews, and friends. I am grateful for my parents and family. Sadly many people have not had good men in their lives and that can really mess up a person.


I've been meeting lots of new friends this year a great deal of them being males. I have noticed that some of the men did not have good relationships with their dads or no relationship at all. The adult male children of those bad fathers often times are living dysfunctional lives not knowing stability or proper conduct so as a result the pattern keeps on going from father to son for many different dysfunctional generations. But they don't have to live like that, they can choose to try and make better behavioral choices going down a better path to father their children properly.


If your father was not a good father you can make better choices then your father did. We all have a choice. Dont let the dysfunctional childhood from a rotten dad make you choose to follow in your Dad's steps. You can make better choices even if you have already messed up with your kids.


I thank the Lord that my Dad was a good man. I miss him.

Grieving with a Griever.

Well Dad was buried one week ago today. Its all been a blur. I dont even remember much of what I've been doing since his death. I just survive doing the chores and living going along. Some friends have helped bring me out of my grieving shell as we go do something.


Just simple things like looking for cicada shells and sticking them to ourselves to freak people out helps boost the mood. Playing freeze tag in the water was fun. But many days Im just going about my day in a blur.


Grieving takes time.


I dont want anyone dying or suffering but since it happens to all of us it is nice to not have to be alone in the grieving. One of my friends lost his mother a week before my Dad died. So we are both going through the same type of grieving at the same time. It is a shared pain that creates bonds.


Always love your parents. Never dump on them even if they drive ya nutty. Love them.

Keep On Keeping On

Losing a parent to death is nothing new. Billions of people around the world have went through it.
I guess the sad part is the manner in which they die. No one wants to see their loved one suffering, so some times death is a welcome thing. But we miss them so much.
It angers me that so many people are getting things like parkonsins disease, cancer, heart disease, diabetes..........the list goes on. It seems like the amounts of people that are getting those things are on the rise big time.
There are loads of reasons why they are on the rise, I'm sure the chemicals, in our foods and shower supplies dont help.
So what do we do?
We can't 100% avoid it. So what to do?
You go on in life that's what you do. You go on looking forward. You try to make good food choices and stay active.
And you live.
Pray you never get parkinsons disease or any other horrid sickness.
Eat your veggies!
Keep on keeping on.