I Am Free!

It's been over a year since I posted on here. Time has went fast!

Parental Alienation Syndrome, as diagnosed by the court appointed child advocate group, caused my kids to be kept from me. But over time my oldest saw the truth and fought her way back to me.

Our relationship is even better now. It's like we were never separated. Our relationship is strong and resides with true unconditional love. What parental alienation syndrome tried to do is brainwash my kids against me and my family, but it backfired and instead made our relationship stronger.

We laugh and laugh. We treat each other with respect and she and I watch out for each other helping one another. She is beautiful and amazing. People often remark how she looks like me and I look like my Mom.

Speaking of my Mom she is loving having my daughter back in our lives as are other family members and friends. It's all so beautiful and from the Lord. Only He could have made this work out so well and I thank Him for that.

Many people don't understand why I don't pray that the one who caused the parental alienation syndrome be cursed and die. But I can't pray that. I don't wanna be hateful like that. I have the right to be very angry, bitter and nasty, but I just can't be. It's just not in my nature I guess. Instead I pray he finds true unconditional love from the Lord, and healing in his dark soul. If he continues to behave mean then it be on his own head and is out of my control. All I can do is pray for him.

I'm enjoying being single. This freedom is great. I'm no longer controlled or emotionally/verbally/mentally/psychologically/financially abused and lied to. I am no longer neglected and treated like I am a burden. I am free! I am no longer being shoved around and choked. I. Am. Free!!!!!!! I am no longer having to fake like all is OK when in reality it wasn't. I am no longer unwanted. I now matter!

It's great being free of all that and being single. Yes I wished that in some way somehow things could have worked out for the sake of the kids but it didn't and now  I am a divorcee and I'm OK with that. I am free! There have been several guys who have wanted to date me and I went out on a date with a few of the guys but never got serious with any of them. I just don't wanna be tied down right now.

I have 4 best friends and 3 of them are guys whom I trust and love as my buddies and they love me as their friend. We have good times together and my daughter likes them too. The one lives to far away now but we at least still get to talk via phone and internet.

More blessings and good changes are coming my way. I know it for sure but I'm not speaking of it just yet ;)
I thank the Lord for my many blessings.

Am I perfect? Well of course not. I've made my share of bad choices and sins but I am still deeply loved and forgiven.

Lost So Much Gained So Much

I have lost so much, so very much has been taken from me. But so very much keeps coming back to me in completely unexpected ways. 

I lost my childhood home and inherited farm along with our many pet chickens and other poultry in 2012. It was very hard on my kids and I. We loved living where we did and loved our poultry all of which had a name.

In 2015 one of my nieces and her 4 children bought the place and have me living with them. And guess what we have? chickens and ducks. What I lost I gained.

In 2013 a few friends fell for the over exaggerated screwy lies and rumors resulting in me losing their friendship. Only a few weeks later I began meeting new friends and rekindling old friendships and have not stopped. Now, finally I have lasting good friends like I had when I was young and not married. They have been a huge blessing to me. I lost a few and gained a ton. Male and female.

In 2014 my divorce was final. Since then I have had dating opportunities here and there. I'm not interested in dating right now because I have post traumatic stress disorder to work on first, but I have had open doors in the dating world even though I'm middle aged and not no small thang. I lost one and gained many more.

Starting in 2013 my own children were thrown into a disturbing battle during the separation and divorce. It's very weird, nutty and evil. Very strange. Too weird to describe. There are two of them and they are in the age range of 12 to 15. Those poor kids. Divorce is never an easy thing on children especially when the child is bombarded with negative things about their parents and or kept from either of their parents. Now I live with my niece and her 4 children. Her grand baby is there a lot as well as other underage relatives whom I get to enjoy often. 

My bike was used, cheapy and kept falling apart. Suddenly out of the blue someone gave me a brand new bike that is just right for me. Lost a used bike and gained a new one.

My Christmas decorations were taken against my will and thrown out in 2013. In 2014 new friends gave me a beautiful little tree complete with lights and decorations. Plus was given a little manger scene. What was taken from me I gained back from others.

2014 my dear Dad died. I am a daddy's girl. No one can replace him. But I do have male friends to ask info from or get help from in the manly stuff I need help with like repairs and so on.

In  late 2013 my laptop, that was given to me for Mother's Day, was kept from me during the separation and divorce. In early 2014 I was given a windows phone and iPad. I lost a lap top but gained much more.

The list goes on and on. I know my down fall was the goal but it didn't work. My Godly parents have prayed for me my entire life and their prayers wasn't about to let evil 100% ruin me like it had tried to. As a child my Dad would get home from working 2nd shift and he would stand over me as I slept and pray for me blessing me. 

My friends have picked me up and dusted me off plenty of times and so has some family members. I have made some strong friendships that I hope to keep forever. My family have been huge blessings to me especially my Mom. 

I have lost so much but gained so much more.

I have cried so much, more then I ever have at any other time in my life but I have also laughed more then any other time in my life and have had some great times. Happiness was trying to be kept from me but instead it came to me in the form of new growing friendships and good times.

Unconditional Friends Lift Me Up

I love the new and renewed friends that keep coming into my life.

I was bumming pretty bad a few days ago when I walked out of an appointment, my friend just happened to be walking outside  across the street when she saw me and yelled for me. I was planning on going home to mope but my dear friend and her always giggling personalility brought me back to life.

This happens alot.

As I ponder on my life I often have wondered why I wasnt good enough to be treated nicely in my marriage? There were good times, it wasnt all bad.

I wasnt perfect either,no one is, but was I so bad that I deserved to be ignored, neglected, choked and yelled at?

No!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am not derserving of such treatment no matter what I may have ever said or did throughout my life. That was not unconditional love.

I am loved by many and Im thankful for that! It is healing to me. I am finally meeting friends who love me no matter what unconditionally with no conditions asked and no strings attached!

I am so greatful for my many friends. I keep meeting more and more and I love them. I see their heart and I think they see mine.

I love the word unconditional. It means that you love someone with no strings attached, you love them no matter what they have said or did. You choose to love them no matter what, that doesnt mean you let them walk all over you but unconditional means "no matter what". Its the love Jesus had/has.

Dogs understand and display unconditional love all the time. It's rather sad that dogs can understand real love better then we humans can. Why cant we grasp it and live by it?

Christian Witchcraft

Christian witchcraft sounds like an odd title doesn't it?

Christianity and witchcraft are nothing alike and clash each other, but for whatever reason the past few years I have been hearing and seeing more and more Christians fall into a mindset that they have special "powers" because they are some kind of special prophet/prophetess. Im not quit sure where this mindset is coming from but it is a disturbing one. Thankfully it isn't too awfully common yet.

I believe that each person is gifted in their own special way. Some sing well, some write, some teach, some preach, some help and then some have the lesser known gifts like dreams, visions and other gifts we falsely call "supernatural".

Whatever gift we have been given it is our unique special gift intertwined with our one of a kind personalities making each and every person a special one of a kind individual. No person's gift is better then another's. We should never use our gifts to try and rule over, control and change others.

This past about 1 1/2 years I have personally been attacked by a few so called Christians who use their "powers" AKA witchcrafts to control others and or impress others with their better-then-yours-gifts. I've  heard/read people say things like "God told me to tell you......." "God doesn't want you to do..."  "God is angry at you and will punish you if you don't
 do what I say...." One even went as far as to say that I should be turned over to satan for not doing what she said, Boy that's really displaying true Godly unconditional love right there(sarcasm). I have been falsely accused and told I am not a Christian if I don't repent of something I didn't do and come clean to the prophetess. She went as far as to harass my kids in the name of giving them council. She lied to me then said it was needed in  order to do God's will. She never bothered to call and talk to me but she sure called and bothered others about me. She insulted and harassed my pastor and some family members even going as far as to argue with one of my underage relatives telling them  all how wrong they are. The lady had not even been around to witness the truth but was taking the word of someone she thought was honest. Obviously her gifts aren't so special if she cant get the facts straight. She was attacking me all while supporting my husband  who was living in sin with the woman he had an affair with when we were still together. That's a special sort of crazy right there,  whew. The woman even went as far as to try and get my friends to stop talking to me and if they didn't God would not bless them. Oy vey, it a strange admixture of witchcraft,legalism and nuttiness hell bent on evil.

I dont understand her or others like her. You'd think that if they are so supremely gifted that they wouldn't be so wrong. If one really knew my situation and saw first hand they would know that the gossip and rumors are lies from hell and they are just pawns in the hands of the demonic world.

I have heard/read where these so called prophets and prophetesses are given spiritual authority over others making themselves be the judge in place of God as they condemn their victim if the victim doesn't fall for their words. They have thrown their so called special gifts around so much that people
tend to eventually shy away from them thinking they are nuts. They have made Christianity out to be a real joke full of hyper critical unloving crazies. It has made me back away from church but I should not have allowed it to. I just can no longer trust it when people give me messages from God telling me what to do and how I should live. God will tell me Himself.

Many, not all, of these so called modern prophets and prophetesses use witchcraft either knowingly or unknowingly to try and tell people how to live and control others. It is spiritual legalism that runs as far from Godly unconditional love as can be. Don't let anyone spiritually control you. Seek God yourself and find what He wants not what some human says He wants. Seek the truth yourself. Act in true unconditional love.

She's Such A Slut!

 She's a nasty slut!

Whenever I hear that about someone I wonder what the supposed "slut's" story is. There's always a story, and normally it's an understandable one. But you can only have any unconditional understanding if you choose to feel, see and hear her story via the eyes, hears and heart of a once hurt now healing soul.

There will always be people who freely choose to get around displaying little self respect or morals. That's just the way it is regardless if it's right or wrong.

But from my experience via meeting and getting to know people of all walks of life most of the ladies society calls sluts are in fact actually very hurting, abused jaded women who haven't been truly loved enough or given opportunities to heal from the inner pain they suffer from.

Many of these women were sexually abused as children only given attention when they got abused. Some were verbally abused and made to feel as low as a worm. Some were raised without a father or raised with bad father's, there for she longs for male attention but gets it in the wrong way. We all know that there are plenty of men who are more then happy to be the one she gets "attention" from.
 Some are codependent, normally stemming from childhood neglect or other forms of abuse, making her desperate to feel loved, wanted, desired and as if she is worthy but sadly her dysfunctional intense need to feel good about herself leads to one abusive relationship after another which further causes more emotional sickness within her hurting soul. It's a Visio is cycle.

Abusive men pick those women out knowing how to use her desperation for their own personal gain.

In attempt to find the right man to take away her pain she goes from one guy to another to another......

Often all she may want is unconditional non sexual human touch, or to be held. The lack of human touch is a huge contributor to her reputation. She needs a hug or pat on the back which, believe it or not, is harder to find then sex is.

So, the next time you find yourself calling someone a slut consider my words or better yet her heart.

Busting Bones - Cancer At Its Finest

I spent the entire day with my friend yesterday at the cancer clinic.

Hurry and wait.

Take this test, and then wait.

Wait for the insurance company to hurry and give a verdict letting you know you can have treatment or not. Or wait for them to deny the must needed pain medication.

My friend has bone cancer. She has tiny tumors INSIDE of her bones growing so big they are literally busting her bones up fracturing them then later on breaking them.

Her pain is unbelievable.

Her misery is heart wrenching.

All cancer is evil, but bone cancer seems to be particularly awful.

Busting, cracking breaking bones.

May she be comforted.

May she be healed.

May The Lord have mercy on her.

"I Laaaaa" Are Some Of The Most Special Words My Heart Will Always Cherrish

"I Laaaaaa" Are Some Of The Most Special Words My Heart Will Always Cherrish

Here I sit at my Dad's deathbed in the middle of the night listening to him snore. He is on the same wing as I was when I was here over a week ago. His nurse reconizes me, she is very kind and compasionate.

I am the youngest child of 8. My dad is old enough to be my grandfather. He and I have been close and we are a lot alike. We both love Jesus and His animals and all His creation. I have many good memories with him as do other family members. He is the type of guy whom is mellow, quiet and calm but with a since oh humor.

 He was a champion boxer in the early 1950s both before and during his life as a soldier in the Korean War. He never lost a fight although he did not win one of those fights. No one could equal my dad's boxing skills but one man. Him and that man went round after round neither one giving up. Finally after a long battle the fight was ended and both my Dad and the other man were declared as both being winners as it was a tie. 

All throughout Dad's life he has been a fighter but this time his battels were outside the ring. Losing his parents were his biggest battle, then in 2001 he lost his beloved and very devoted faithful friend which was a black and white dog named Jiggs. I did not see my Dad cry at his mother's funeral (his dad died before I was born). I suppose that is because she was elderly and ready to go be with Jesus. But when Jiggs died he cried. Him and I were with Jiggs when that very special canine took his last breath. My dad cried and said "I just lost my best friend" 

I am and always have been a daddy's girl. Growing up I knew no other man was as strong or special as my Dad. I was right. I was the unexpected suprise baby. They didn't think they would have anymore  children. Well they were wrong because me, number 8, was made and now here I am the youngest child only a few years older then his grandchildren. 

Beings that my siblings were so much older then me my dad would take his older grand kids with us camping so I would have playmates. We all spent countless hours in the water as we camped. Dad was a very good swimmer and diver back in the day. His fancy summer salts and dives off of the diving board would cause people to gather on the beach to watch. I beamed as I heard them say things like "look at that man dive, it's encreditable!" He was showing up the young punks big time. His 40 and 50ish year old body was no match for those young men for Dad was unstoppable. Despite his age he used a push mower and split wood with just an axe.

At the age of 66 he took a sudden unexpected turn for the worse. That is when his Parkinson's disease was found. That was a differant kind of blow to the head then what he was used to in the boxing ring. Finally and sadly the very strong fighter was entering the ring for another long battle but this time it was the battle that would make him loose. As the years went on he lost more strength and control. At the age of 81 we had to put him in a nursing home because his Parkinson's was getting so bad that he fell a lot and could not walk anymore. My mom nor I was able to pick him up off the ground anymore because now he was no longer able to help us. 

It is never an easy thing to put a parent in a nursing home. It comes with an intense emotional wave of grief and uncertainty. But my aging mother could no longer care for his physical needs and either was I due to my children having been young and due to my serious health issues. So with sad hearts and pangs of guilt we put him in a nursing home. Thankfully the nursing home was a good fit for him. The staff has been good to him these past 3 years.

We haved watched the evil touch of Parkinsions disease steal one thing after another from the boxing champ as one by one issues with bowel, bladder, drooling, swallowing, eating, walking, moving, sleeping and some confusion all set in taking over. 

Now as my 84 year old dad is taking what is likely to be his last nights breaths I sit alone by his side comforted by the sound of his breathing. 

Earlier in the day he stopped breathing for about a minute. There was no heart beat. I put my hand on his chest and bent to his ear to say "Dad it's ok to go be with Jesus now" He suddenly began breathing again. I have painstakingly notice his breathing get labored and slow. He kept moaning and scrunching his face up. I knew that meant that he was in pain, he was jerking and twitching a lot which also means he was agitated. So I asked the nurse for him to have more morphene and some of the anxiety medication the doctor ordered and for him to be moved to his other side. Dad has not been able to talk all day. His eyes have had the death glaze all day but he can still hear us. As soon as the nurse put the morphine and anxiety meds in his IV and got him rolled over he quickly feel into a peaceful sleep with no more pain or jerking. Now he lays here snoring and most likely dreaming like he always does.

27 relatives have been here to see him and some call to check on him.  He is much loved by his 8 kids and 15 grand kids and 16 great grand kids. 

It's been a busy day with loads of much needed visitors. Now here we are alone together in this dark peaceful room as the sound of his breathing comforts me. Once again I bent down to his ear to tell him that I love him. I will always hold dear to my heart the "I laaaa" he said as he tried to say " I love you"